My titles suck

 I have chosen to not gain weight at the moment. I can't handle it at the moment. I am actually having a panic attack at the moment. The reason is a bit to private to put on here,and I feel faint from it. It's a pretty strong on. I have chosen to maintain my current weight. I may lose another 5llbs,I won't though 95llbs seems..I don't want an intervention.  Oh boy it's still going, it's only been 5 minutes,but ugghh today is going to suck. It's my third one. First two were random. I'm shaking, I'm having a hard time concentrating, my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest, I feel like I can't breathe,and I feel like everything is closing in and there isn't a way out. I'm popping myself with a rubber band, hopefully pain can make it stop. I'm so glad it's getting cold. I can wear long sleeves and jackets. Ah there we go, It's going down. Ugh lasted 8minutes but it felt like hours.

I hope everyone else is having a better day.

I haven't been doing very well with coping. I'm afraid I'm not "sick" enough to get help. I don't want to go through that again. "You're not that thin,just eat, and you'll be okay!" My psychiatrist and therapist never actually listened to me about it. I remember my psychiatrist asking "Why don't you want to look like a woman, I don't think this is a big deal, we'll talk about something else." When I was in the psych wards they just locked the bathrooms until an hour after I ate. I never got help for it, I got ignored. It hurt so much. It made me feel like I'm failure and can't even get that right.  I'm so angry still about that. I feel like dropping down to under 80llbs and asking " Am I sick enough now to get help? Am I sick enough now to get you to listen?"

Usually it's one thing at a time maybe two rearing their ugly heads,but it's everything. I'm fighting the urge to cut and to mutilate my body. I'm having panic attacks daily. I am hallucinating and having paranoid delusions. I am starving/restricting,too. I am severely depressed. I am losing my hope.

I told my boyfriend everything,again lol. He's keeping me grounded. I do love him. He's trying to help me take baby steps with my eating disorder. I don't want to,but I am trying. He agreed with that gaining 10-20llbs right now would be to much for me and going to fast, he wants me to take baby steps. As in upping my calorie intake from 500/600 to 700/800. He doesn't want me to be overwhelmed and freak the fuck out. Especially since I am stopping laxatives. It's fucking hard, I just want to take them. I feel gross and unclean. I feel fat and bloated. I feel like i have gained sooo  much weight. Which isn't true I've lost. It still doesn't help though. He's been so nice about it and understanding. He caught me crying the other night. I told him everything and when we got to talking about weight he said.." I think you should gain some for health reasons,but I can't make you." He basically went on to say "I love you and I am attracted to you at any weight,when you are 100llbs,115llbs,130llbs,or even when you were around 180llbs." He never wanted me to think that I couldn't gain over a certain amount or i wouldn't be attractive. I might get to 125llbs-130llbs if I start really doing recovery. He understands,and I couldn't ask for anymore. He knows me so well. He knows the more down and when I'm doing bad the more I lose myself in music and reading. He knows when I'm nervous and anxious I'll constantly ask for reassurance. He knows when I'm at a restaurant with him and I'm close to tears because I'm freaking out about eating,he helps me choose something 'safe". He's always had my back through thick and thin. He doesn't enable me but he tries to help. He encourages me to be on pt,he knows it helps me not feel so alone. He knows it helps me come out of my denial,he knows it helps me to help other people. I don't think I could make it without him.