I feel a bit..I don't know the right word to describe it. I don't like all this changing going on with my moods. They're are to up and down for my liking. I'm a bit of a control freak that likes order. I don't like feeling so out of control. I haven't been able to sleep well,well get to sleep. Once I'm out,I'm good. Getting to sleep is the hard part. I can't shut my mind down. It's just a circle of worries,paranoia,imagining situations,and more worry. I'm more paranoid lately. Everyone hates me and finds me a nuisance,their smiles are lies. They lie to me and I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel everyone is thinking horrible thoughts and making horrible judgements about me. Logically, I know it's not true. It's just a confusing shit pile in my head. I feel I am an annoyance. I feel ugly,fat,and all around unhappy. I am currently fighting the urge to take my laxatives. I feel unclean in a sense,and I feel to full. I am terrified of bloating and I am terrified of getting over 110llbs. I refuse to stay at that weight,and I don't even know much I weight. I have been avoiding scales. I just feel paranoid. It's stupid illogical paranoia that I know isn't actually happening,so I try to ignore it. I'm sick of hallucinating people and scary shit. I'm sick of my nightmares. I feel so horribly ugly,I just want to cry. I feel I am disfigured in some way. I'm so frustrated with myself. I just feel utterly defeated. I haven't found a way to stop the hallucinations,paranoid delusions,or my nightmares. >=[ Anti-psychotics are a no. I've been on them before and they didn't work,I'm afraid of what else they might suggest or use. I'm afraid it'll be forced on me so I stay away from help. I can't trust doctors but I want help so bad,but I can't. I don't trust them. I just want to be able to not second guess my eyes and what I'm hearing. I'm so cautious..i don't want to respond to someone who's not actually there or a sound. My boyfriend is use to me asking "Do you hear that or is it me....?" He answers me honestly,he wouldn't lie and said he does if he doesn't. I'd be pissed if he did. I saw a mummy like corpse on my floor the other night,then a little white figure. It was shaped like an animal,but idk I ignored it,and turned my head. I hate blinds or curtains being open at night,they can see me better. "They" are the people who are watching me and keeping tabs. I hate it,I can hear them talking. I hear women talking,too. I hear whispering and I hate it most when I hear screaming. I'm so scared at times,I feel like crying. I've felt like crying a lot lately. I feel vulnerable,I feel like a child. I'm afraid they'll get me or my family. Sometimes I stay up to protect everyone.
Here's a nightmare I had the other night,which still sways me to stay up. I can't remember where it started,but I walking around in a city type place. There was people everywhere,and a woman walked up to me and said "Hurry,run,and hide,he is coming!" So I ran,and I walked into a room that led to a hallway. There was a little room to the left,a wall,and then you could turn left and go deeper. I looked ahead and could see past the corner a bit. It was a dark room with grayish-brownish walls. There were cardboard boxes in the right corner. It was dimly lit. I was wondering to myself If I should find somewhere else to go. Next thing I know there's blood spraying on the walls and a mans body sliding down the wall. The man who was murdered had brown hair,red jacket,and brown pants. Very vivid dream.. Then the man who killed him walks towards me. I couldn't move,only look around. When he finally got to me I was able to fight back,but he ended up killing me,and I woke up after that..So much blood everywhere in that nightmare.
And I love this song.
"Pet"- by A Perfect Circle
Don't fret precious I'm here,
step away from the window
and go back to sleep
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Countin' bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind to the rabble
Pay no mind to the rabble
Head down, go to sleep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind what other voices say
They don't care about you, like I do, (like I do)
Safe from pain, and truth, and choice, and other poison devils,
See, they don't give a fuck about you, like I do.
Just stay with me,
safe and ignorant, go,
back to sleep, go
back to sleep
Lay your head down child
I won't let the boogeyman come
Countin' bodies like sheep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Pay no mind to the rabble
Pay no mind to the rabble
Head down, go to sleep
To the rhythm of the war drums
I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and all your demons
I'll be the one to protect you from
A will to survive and a voice of reason
I'll be the one to protect you from
Your enemies and your choices son
They're one and the same
I must isolate you
Isolate and save you from yourself
Swayin' to the rhythm of the new world order and
Counting bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums
The boogeymen are coming
The boogeymen are coming
Keep your head down, go to sleep
To the rhythm of the war drums
Stay with me
Safe and ignorant
Just stay with me
I'll hold you and protect you from the other ones,
The evil ones, don't love you son,
Go back to sleep.
No comments:
Post a Comment