Titles suck.

I'm going to start blogging my recovery. At the moment I am having a fight between me, that ed voice, and freaking Chef Boyardee.

I'm berating myself for being a fat ass and eating when my hip bones are sticking out again. It's what I want, right? To be so skinny it hurts to lay down? Is that what I want? Why can't I talk about it? Why do I have to take it out on myself? Why do I have to blame myself?

It's not. It won't make me happy and it won't fix anything. I can't keep punishing myself because people think it's okay to rape and molest. I can't keep punishing myself because people leave me. I am forcing myself to eat, even though I'm almost crying. I'm panicking. What if this is all for nothing? I can do this, if not for anyone else, for myself. It's not my fault. I need to forgive myself for all the hurt and pain I've done to myself.


Alright, half of it's gone. I feel so full. I can eat more though. I have to do this for myself. I want to love myself. I want to look in the mirror and smile. I've been so mean to myself. I wouldn't dare treat someone the same way or talk to them the way I talk to myself.


I don't know what I am hanging onto so dearly. I feel like a child clutching a teddy bear for protection. I think I am afraid to strip away all the layers and just be me. No masks and no more hiding. I am afraid of that core problem deep down inside me. I don't want to go there. They stripped me of my security. They took away the control I have over what happens to MY BODY. They tainted me and made me feel like it was my fault. They filled me with shame. I feel I could have done more and it's my fault for not being stronger. I don't want to face it. But I will and I will be heard. I will not let it happen to me again, I deserve better. I refuse to lay down and die. They took everything and left me with such a deep seeded hatred for myself. No more, it's not my fault. I'm setting here crying because saying it's not my fault seems so wrong but so true.

After I get through this, it will be my mission in life to help people just like me. No one should ever have to feel like this and feel they are alone. I know if you're reading this, 90% chance you have an ed. I want you to know that I love you and you can do it. Take it day by day. You can do recovery and you are worth it. Don't you ever let anyone tell you different. I will turn my experience into something positive and help people. If you don't have an ed and another mental illness, you can recover, too. YOU CAN DO IT. It's okay to stumble, you will have slip ups, but the end is worth it. You are worth it, too. I wish I had someone say that to me, so I will tell you.

I want a place where I belong. I want to love, to have a family, and I want to have a life. I won't let this kill me or drag me anymore.

As corny as it sounds, it took me falling in love (lol, again) to realize that I'm not just hurting myself. I feel so bad about making everyone worry so much. I feel so bad for being such a burden. I won't be anymore. I will stand on my own two feet.