This kind of sucks.

I'm still seeing shit on a daily basis. Still pretty anxious,have had 2 panic attacks so far today. Cleaning helped clear my head. I think I'm going to start slowly cutting ties with some people,who cause me more harm than good. Honestly,sometimes just texting them puts me into panic attacks. Seeing them is a bit worse. Talked to my sister a bit last night and found out some disheartening things. Meh,I hate being right about my "friends".My boyfriend is right most of my friends are douche bags. Self-centered son of a bitches. I really thought I had people to lean on for once,besides my family and boyfriend. I really don't. Ugh I just feel kind if hopeless lately. I'm getting to the point where I don't think I'll ever be okay. I don't want to live with this forever. I feel like I'm screaming and no one is hearing it. I keep feeling rejected,I'm depressed,I'm so depressed,I'm anxious,and I'm angry. I feel guilty,that I can't snap out of it. I feel guilty that, it's that I am sick,drives most people away. I really don't talk about it much,I try to respect people's comfort issues with it. I feel alone,I don't want to try anymore,but I could never do that to my mother. I won't cross that line ever again. I am suicidal,but I won't ever attempt again. I won't do that to my family. My family needs me. I couldn't do it to my boyfriend either. That's about it though. I wouldn't impact anyone else,yes,that's indicative about how much I think my friends give a shit. I was blunt about how lonely I have been feeling,it got ignored. I told them I was more than willing to go out with them and have some fun. To help them,so fuck it. It got ignored. It shows what they really think,especially when they point out my flaws or misunderstand me. It shows what they really think of me. I don't need that,I don't need someone telling me that I haven't let them be there for me. When they are no where to be found. I don't need someone putting me down,when I have done nothing but try to lift them up. I don't need someone telling me how to deal with my shit,when they don't even try to understand. This isn't something you can say some nice little witty advice and wrap up in a neat little box. I need help,professional help. I lack the funds to get help,once I get my fiances in order,I'm getting help. I won't even hurt myself anymore,even though I want to. It hurts more than just me. Even though I have graphic fantasies about stabbing myself in my arm,yeah I need help. I don't people who just make me feel like there's something else wrong with me. I'd rather cut them out,before I get hurt anymore. I don't think they realize how much they hurt me,even though I have told them. They care enough to hear what I'm saying,but not enough to listen. They don't care enough to walk beside me. I knew it was a mistake.

 Well back to me. =P. Yeah I'm pretty fucking depressed. Kind of feel like I'm drowning. I love my boyfriend. My cats help,a lot. My sister has been sweet,she's gone out of her way to see me. I've been going out of my way and checking in on her,too. It means a lot to me,that she works 40-50 hours a week,goes on dates once or twice a week,hangs out with friends most days,but she still made time for me. She doesn't mind my boyfriend tagging along,she really doesn't. I don't think she'll ever know how much it means to me that she does that for me. It helps, a lot. I know I'm depressed,but I do try. I'm head over hills in love with boyfriend,even after 5 years. He's my sun,moon,and stars. I'd let the world burn for him and my family. They understand I have my worst days,and are patient with me. They don't treat me like I need to be handled with with gloves. I don't need to be.,even with all my problems I'm not fucking made of glass. I've been through hell and back and I'm still holding it together,for the most part. They know it takes me time to gather the right words to describe what I'm feeling,and it's not easy for me. I'm ashamed of myself,I hate myself more than anyone ever could,and I'm not proud that I have mental illness. I really don't like myself. When I get told things over and over again,I tend to believe them. I think I am ugly inside and out,I'm a horrible person,I do nothing but hurt people,I don't deserve to be on this earth,I just hurt people,and I just don't like myself. I can't even control how much I eat. I'm horrible,because I'm getting to the point where I don't care how I feel effects other people. What I mean is yes I feel abandoned,but why should I care if that hurts them,obviously they don't care about my feelings of abandonment. No,they only give a shit about what they feel,turn it around on me,and make it seem like I'm the most god awful person. Yes,I have a hard time explaining and expressing how I feel,how about giving me a fucking minute to fully explain it? No,that's to nice of them,they jump to conclusions and say I have a temper. They are quick to point out my flaws,but heaven forbid you do the same. They can't talk to fucking to people,they're horrible at it. They all claim they are sensitive,but they can't afford the same sensitivity to others? What I mean with that is,you have to watch what you say to them,but they can't do the same? Oh it's tough love for everyone else,but the minute you point out something,you're fucking wrong. I'm being mean and upsetting them. About everyone knows I have an eating disorder,psychotic depression,and anxiety. It's okay for them to call me crazy,natural born crazy,weird,make comments about my physical appearance,my issues, and etc.. because no one knows it can be rude,wtf? REALLY? It's like going up to someone and calling them fat,how fucking dense are they? I'm fucking sick of the politics and the double standards,on how they can say what ever the fuck they can to me,but I have to walk on egg shells around them. I'm sick of it,and I'm sick of their shit. I'm sick of being a fucking afterthought until shit hits the fan for them. Oh,it should be a compliment,fuck you. Seriously,go fuck yourself. Fucking people trying to make me eat,when I fucking do,fuck you,too. Judging my other friends who you haven't met,fuck you. God,I'm angry. I'm not a fucking bad person,I have issues,but so does the rest of the world. Why I try not to make a big deal about it,and write about it on this fucking blog. I'm tired of people being fickle about me,if you don't want to talk to me then fucking don't. If I'm everything you say about me,why the fuck do you talk to me? If I'm so god damn awful,then leave me the fuck alone.