I kind of hate how I love the feeling when I haven't eaten hardly anything in a couple of days,the cramps,the "fuck my life,I'm so hungry" stomach growling,the shaking,and being lightheaded.
I feel like I don't do enough to help out around the house. I've worked two weeks straight basically. My manager's sister died,and then my assistant manager went on vacation. I felt stressed at work this week. It really bothers me when I can't make people happy. I have trouble not taking it personally when I can't fix problems for people.I just feel like a total failure when it happens and it bothers me. I feel like I don't fit it,I feel isolated. I feel dumb and stupid. I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel sometimes that I'm such a loser that my sister feels sorry for me,and that's why she hangs out with me. I don't have many friends at all. I don't think anyone I'm close to can wrap their head around,how much I hate myself.I'm just so mad at myself,I'm so fucking fat. I can't get under 105llbs. I also feel like a dick since I haven't been online much,and I haven't been reading blogs/commenting/emailing people that I give support to. My six year old niece can read very well,and she likes to watch me play on the computer a lot,and I don't want her knowing any of this. Since she's so young I'm afraid she might think it's cool or hip. I don't want that for her,I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I'm all over the place =P,so this is going to sound like I'm rambling like a crazy old lady,ahahaha. I did have a fun night tonight. Things have gotten easier,I'm trying to re-make old connections? Well,I'm trying not to shrink away from people. I get so scared sometimes of rejection and isolation,that I just shrink back. Everything has turned around the last month or so and I'm having a hard time fighting my instinct to run the fuck far away. I've felt so isolated and alone these past few years and everything is looking up. Well looking up in being social and having some friends,that I'm a bit scared to lose it,so it makes more sense to me..to lmao run far away before I get hurt. Logically I know these people won't hurt me..
Sometimes I feel like a lost little girl. My anxiety is fucking stupid. It's starting to make me go a bit crazy..aha more crazy. Yes,I am still paranoid as fuck.I'm only having auditory hallucinations,a lot of the visual ones have stopped. Nightmares? Yup..about every night,ugh. I don't know I feel pretty shitty all around. =] It does feel nice though to be invited out! I think it's my anxiety making me er vomit. I think I'm almost ready to admit and bring my ed out in the open,well on here lol. I'm still working through on how feel and why. =]
I don't feel like my weight is good enough. You know,I don't ever judge anyone elses weight or what they look like. It's ME that will never be good enough. For some reason posting these pictures make me feel more human? It also makes me see the difference between what I see and what a camera sees. Logically I know I'm no where near what I see,but I think my eyes are lying to me when I see these pictures,too. I think I'm tricking myself,to make myself feel better. When I know I'm horrible god awful person.
2 comments:
your cat is precious, so are you
I know what you mean, you can't beat yourself up all of the time though. 90% of all the problems that occur to other people shouldn't be directed towards you though! Imagine if everyone felt like that? Then no one would ever be happy. Try to do things for yourself that will make YOU happy. I'm sure a lot of your old friends and family would have a better time with their grievances and struggles!
My condolences for your sister's loss BTW :(
No,it was my manager's sister that died,not my sister's manager,=P.
I see what you're saying,though. =] One step at a time,I usually feel better after writing in here.
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