This is my story,it's long.

My day to day life isn't bad at all. I'm quite happy with it and my job. I'm just not happy with myself. It's not my lack of education,that I'm home a lot,and etc that bothers me. It's confusing and it seems contradicting but while I am depressed,my anxiety is pretty bad and it does interfere with my everyday life,I do hallucinate and have delusions,and I do have an eating disorder,it's not my actual day to day activities that bother me or lack of. It's my past abuse,the recent string of deaths,worrying about my mother,worrying about money,and really not having real life friends,I'm being pretty honest about that. I've gotten to a point where I can finally say that I'm okay with just my boyfriend being my main support system. He knows about my ed and he actually talks back to me about it. I don't make him feel uncomfortable about it. He and I had a long talk this morning about everything,I'm more honest without sleep. My biggest pet peeve is people who claim to be sensitive,but they don't have an empathetic or compassionate bone in their body. I know people can understand to a degree,but I get annoyed with people thinking mental illness is like a cold,it'll pass. It's not phase,people can't snap their fingers and be okay. Sometimes all we need is an ear,not a running mouth.It also bugs me when i try to go to people,and they turn it around,ignore me,and basically go "Well,isn't that sweet,but this is more important." My friends are assholes,they call me crazy,weird,freaky looking(i'm not scary skinny,just thin),I have no curves,I'm basically ugly,they talk over me,ignore me when I try to open up(I usually don't get replies..),I never see them,I hardly talk to them,I usually have to call/email/text them first to get a response 95% of the time,and etc. So I've decided to regress back into myself and my mind. My feelings are bit hurt,and I don't want them to be hurt again for awhile.

I found these quotes...

-"A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.  ~Grace Pulpit"

-"If you're alone, I'll be your shadow.  If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder.  If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow.  If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile.  But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me.  ~Author Unknown" 

-"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand.  The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.  ~Henri Nouwen"

  

I feel sometimes I don't have what those quotes say.I feel that,I'm a burden to my friends. I know some of it is hard to understand,and I don't want to deal with the bullshit tough love,you're weird,and basically insult me. I feel they don't know how to react,when I talk about the darker side,so to speak. It's not all lists of symptoms,it goes deep on so many levels. I'm not sure if I could ever tell everything to someone. There's a lot of shame behind everything. It's not the easy things,like how my co-worker annoys the fuck out of me. That isn't a big deal. That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is my grandmothers failing health. My mother hasn't been drinking as much in front of me,but I worry every time she gets behind the wheel. What if she's been hiding it? I'm worried about our financial situation,my anxiety has started to keep me from doing things. I'm afraid I'll start having panic attacks if I go out,so I have been testing the waters. I need people with me,in order to be okay in public. I worry about how my brother and his family is going to make it,when they move back here. What if he can't find a job? What will happen to them? It's coming up on a year since both my grandparents died unexpectedly,it's only been 6months since I lost Saber,and 5 months since I lost Misa. My pets are family to me. It destroyed me that they went so fast,and it was so sudden. They were fine,and then Saber started acting just a little bit weird. We thought it since it was cold,was why she was staying in. Nope she had leukemia,and it was in the last stages. No warning signs at all. Barely a month later..Misa started sneezing,thought it was cold. Two days later,I rushed her to the vet,she was open mouth breathing,which is extremely rare in cats. Misa had heart disease and was going through heart failure,not even a week after I first took her to the vet for the breathing,we had to put her down. She would have died slowly..couldn't do that to her.

My grandmother was in good health. Nothing was wrong with her heart or brain. It happened June 20th 2010,she had a seizure and a massive heart attack,and she went without medical treatment for to long. They couldn't bring her back,and my Father and Uncle had to make the decision to let her go. I had to be the rock for them,my mom was drowning her self in beer,my sister couldn't deal very well,my dad was a mess,and before my grandmother was in the ground,we had to deal with people already fighting over fucking money. My mom is going to be a wreck later this month,and I will be her rock. At the time my grandfather,was dying of cancer. August 2010,he died from cancer. My sister and I weren't allowed to see him because of his children. They didn't like my Uncle,so they took it out on us. Sure he was technically my step grandpa,but he was the only other grandpa I knew. I'm still bitter over that,I never got to say goodbye. I never really got to tell him that I love him,and he was an awesome grandpa. That I was glad to have had him in my life. I didn't get any closure with either,I felt I haven't let myself fully mourn any of the deaths. 

December 5th,2009 I had to put Nigel down. I don't like talking about that,his death cries,I still have nightmares about them. I'm extremely sensitive,if you couldn't tell. We knew he was sick,but the vet said he still had a lot of time left. He went missing for two days,came back,ran immediately under my bed. I checked on him and to my horror,the vet was wrong and he was going through respiratory failure. He crawled under my bed to die. The emergency vet said he may have lived to the next day,but it would have been an awful way to go.

After someone dies,rather it be human or animal. I have hallucinations of them walking around my  house,and popping up randomly. I use to hear them. They've stopped now,they usually only last a couple of weeks. It was hard to deal with.

As I am getting older I am finding my anxiety and my paranoia to be getting worse. I now refuse sleep on the basis that I am not safe. That the men are after me,and I have to stay awake and make nothing happens to me,while I sleep. I don't find I am good enough. I am never nice,sweet,skinny,smart,and pretty enough. I will never be enough. I will always fail or fall short of myself. I am afraid of people and their comments. People don't realize that even though they mean well,making a mean comment on their body even if you think they're skinny can totally un-do them. I don't like being called crazy,it hurts my feelings. I don't like being called freaky looking,it hurts.My depression is soul crushing,I feel like I'm carrying around boulders all day everyday. I can't stop worrying about people and myself. I worry I am losing touch with reality. I don't even want to facebook anymore. I'm to paranoid,they men can read it and gain information to use against me.

My eating disorder can be traced back to my abuse. The first time was when I was 4 and we were playing "grown ups.". The boy who was older than me,about 7,maybe 8. Told me that I had to take all my clothes off in order to play properly,and then he fondled me. When I hit the age of 8 myself,I started looking in the mirror. I remember hating what I saw,and how guilty and ashamed I felt for what happened. I remember telling myself I was fat and ugly. I also got teased at school for being fat and well ugly. There's a pattern >.>

When it hit fall of 1998,I was 9. It happened again,different person. I was forced to give oral,and I was fondled. I feel ugly and tainted. It didn't happen just once with that different person. I still won't give names,to this day. I am uncomfortable in my own skin,I wish I could erase my memories. I have memories pop up and it's hard to be intimate with my boyfriend. I don't feel good enough,I feel that he shouldn't be with me. Someone who is so messed up. Someone who isn't worth the dirt on their shoes. Let my backtrack for a second. December 30th1997, my mom's father died in a horrible car accident. I was 8,dealing with that,and having a hard time accepting it,berating myself for being fat and ugly. Jan 1998,my mom found out my father had been cheating on her. I had to hear the fights.watch my mom go from a healthy weight,to being probably 90llbs-95llbs. From Jan 1998 until Mid summer of 1998 my parents went back forth between divorcing or not but my mom finally kicked him out. He then wouldn't make time to see my sister and I. Late summer 1998/mid fall my mom re-married(yeah it was fucking crazy.). My mom fell for someone and he wasn't who she thought he was. He was an addict,and it was hell. Momma finally got the marriage voided or w/e and well he stalked her,and broke into our home. Early 1999 my parents got back together,never got re-married and are still together. During all of that other person abused me,and I couldn't tell my mom or anyone. I remember thinking mym om was having a hard enough time as it is,and I didn't want to make her mad. I taught myself at a young age to hold everything in. Now between the ages of 8-13,I hated how I looked. I was fat,ugly,disgusting,tainted,dirty,and not worth anyones time. When I was 13 I started dieting,while I felt like that about myself, I was starting to gain attention,..I had boobs..and boys are boys. I hated it and didn't want to look womanly,it made me feel vulnerable. So I lost about 10pounds.I had to be taken out of public school because the innocent teasing started turning physical. My private/homeschool got disbanded so I had to go back to public school for my freshman year. The stress got to me,and I didn't notice my habits. I had dropped from a healthy size 7,to barely being a 00.My bmi was 16.9 I was happy about that. I started cutting,and it all went down hill from there. My parents wouldn't be supportive,my father had nothing to do with me until I attempted suicide when I was 16. My mom didn't understand and was hateful. My sister said i was failure,and my brother blamed me for momma being unhappy and I doing it just to hurt her. I stopped cutting around the age of 17,but I still do it time from time.I gained weight,and lol lost it again. I can't do recovery. I never got over my depression,delusions,hallucinations,or anxiety. I am older,however. I can cope and deal a lot better than I ever did. The summer when I was 15,I use to down pills all the time,hoping it would kill me. I would always wake up though. I use to faint a lot,but I never told anyone. I haven't tried to commit suicide since I was 16. I have been to the psychiatric ward 3 times. 1st time,I was suicidal and I was 14. Second time 15, I had a suicide plan,and my psychiatrist sent me. 3rd time,I was 16,it was Easter. I downed a bottle of pills and passed out in the hallway. I don't remember the ride very well,i could barely stay conscious. That's about it, I think.