I felt a lot better today. I still feel pretty okay. I probably should be sleeping though. I really thought about a lot of things. I also talked to my boyfriend and one my co-workers who surprisingly is a really good friend to me. My boyfriend and I also had our own little marathon Tuesday afternoon-evening. We watched a lot of anime together.
Anyways,after talking to both of them,I have come to a conclusion. I actually feel pretty good about it for once. They also pointed out that I'm a bit naive and to nice at times. While I do have a lot of pent up anger,I hardly ever show it. I don't throw fits,it's rude. That,and I don't want people to know about my issues. I'd rather hide it. Back to the conclusion, it's okay that they treat me like that. Why? I simply don't need to deal with it anymore,or subject myself for feeling horrible about it. Since I have been bringing up the issues since well,over two years now with them. Nothing I say will change anything,they have to want to. My feelings,well hurt feelings don't matter to them,they also won't cause change. They're going to have to want to. I wanted to say it was me and my issues,but my boyfriend brought up something that made perfect sense. I don't tell them much,nor have they ever had to "deal" with me. It's been him and my family. So it couldn't be that. I have never called a friend during a panic attack. There has only been one friend I have ever had,that knew that side of me completely. We both had issues and were in therapy/psychiatric care for it,at the time. We have since grown apart,and haven't spoken in years,however. We had a er falling out of sorts,then we kind of stopped talking mutually. When my boyfriend and I were talking yesterday he kept making points,about how I hide a lot of myself from people. I do it to seem normal. I don't think they're really ready to support me either,they hardly know anything about my diagnoses. I've encouraged them to look it up..and I have given them information about it. Sometimes I am surprised by the lack of knowledge they do have about it,and they come off as condescending. I know why though,they don't know. When it comes down to it,they really don't. Mental disorders aren't normal ups and downs. It's the extreme,so to speak. I really think I'm fat,and hideous. Even though I have a lost an inch off my waist,I'm 24.5inch. Down from 26 inches. My hips bones are starting to show a little bit when I'm standing and I still think I'm horribly over weight. I think my body looks disgusting. While I don't feel so out of control today,I feel normal. Normal to me is being extremely depressed,while not feeling as severely anxious.
I don't think they want to take the time to understand. My mother says my friends are the most self centered people she has ever seen. I don't know if that's true or not. On one hand,I can't really think of a time they're there for me,besides when my boyfriend and I had that break-up. We have since gotten back together. Now I'm starting to get angry,but it's not worth it. I think I'm going to be childish and immature and give them a taste of their medicine. I know it doesn't help,but maybe it'll help them open their eyes. If they don't care,then it won't bother them,and I can let the friendship die out peacefully.
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