I feel better today.

http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php
I'm not quite as sad today. I'm not sure if I even have an eating disorder anymore,or if I can say that I have one. I use to starve myself and when I did eat anything I would vomit it back up. If I binged I would vomit it back up. I also abused laxatives. I never did loose my period and I only ever got down to 92llbs. The first year when I did stop starving myself and stop vomiting I got up to 172llbs. Granted I do still starve myself some days to a degree. I'll only eat once a day. I still have all negative emotions and thoughts that go with it. I'm not sure if and when the feeling of that I'm a failure will go away. That I'm weak because I have no self control. I still binge too,I just don't vomit it back up. What really sucks is that since I did vomit anything I ate back up,granted you never get everything back up,and it wasn't everything,really. Lol so the food I did vomit back up for years,the starvation,and the laxative abuse has left my digestive system,pretty annoying. I have to use to laxatives and take fiber supplements now. I don't abuse the laxatives,I only take one or two. If I go to long without drinking lots of water,not taking fiber pills,and laxatives I can go two weeks without having a bm. Yeah,it's pretty painful and it kills my self worth. I can't even use the bathroom right. Today however, I do feel a bit better about myself. I feel I did something right today. I cleaned today,and I was able to go to the bathroom. I lost 5llbs from going,and I have lost an inch on my waist and 2inch in my belly area. Since I lost those inches,I feel like I can fly,I'm so happy. I feel like I did something so right. I hope I don't ruin it for the day. I'm going to treasure this feeling for today,at least. Most days it's like a raging storm going underneath,but today the voices are silent. They are praising me for doing a good job. Honestly,most days I have that voice telling me what a waste of space I am,I can't even do basic human functions right. I don't think people really know how low my self esteem really is. Saying one little comment can undo my whole day. I wish this was like a light switch and I can turn it on and off. It's hard to understand eating disorders,if you don't have one yourself. It's not a diet. I'm scared little girl looking for reassurance that I am not a piece of shit,and I do deserve to be loved. Even though I make everyone around me walk away,I know they don't understand it nor how to help. I understand, it kills me to say it,but I'd rather them walk away than get hurt again like I did from my family. I'll never forget the things they said. For me,what people say cuts deeper than them walking away from me. I know I'm trying to be happy today. I don't think I deserve to be happy though,I cause so much pain and hurt to people without meaning to. I really don't mean to be mean,and I feel horrible when it comes off as me being a bitch. I really don't mean it,my feelings get hurt so easily,I've been hurt a lot. I don't want to hurt anyone,ever. I think everyone close to me would be better off with out my drama. It's all it is really,I don't think I have the right to say there's anything wrong with me. I've been told all my life that it's my fault,and I just need to snap out of it...maybe they are right. I'm not sure how to stop screaming,I hear it often. I have horrible hallucinations,I think I can snap out of it..I'll try. It'll make everyone happy,and they won't hate me. They won't leave me by myself anymore. I'm so lonely. I almost started cutting again. It'll help ease the pain.

MOAR lyrics :P 
I do love APC
3 Libras.
threw you the obvious and you flew
with it on your back, a name in your recollection,
thrown down among a million same.
difficult not to feel a little bit disappointed
and passed over
when i've looked right through
to see you naked and oblivious
and
you don't see me.but i threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind the eyes
of a fallen angel,
the eyes of a tragedy.
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded.
but i see through it all
and see you.
so i threw you the obvious
to see what occurs behind the eyes of a fallen angel,
eyes of a tragedy.
oh well. apparently nothing.
you don't see me.
you don't see me at all.