Oh the insanity.

I feel like a prisoner within my own mind lately. I don't know if I'm coming or going anymore. I'm so paranoid everyone is watching me thinking i'm going crazy again. Well they could be right. I don't think I'm worth the fight. I'd rather give in to this black hole. I feel like i'm loosing my mind. I can't stop the anxiety,I keep hearing and seeing things. I'm so confused. My grammar is horrid tonight. I cut myself thinking it would help,but now I'm just more paranoid. I can't talk about it,i feel like i am betraying myself in some way. Like i don't trust myself enough to deal with it,to be weak enough to have to HAVE someone to pick me up and help me. I AM NOT WEAK. I don't want to get hurt,i don't want the "poor her,i feel sorry for you." stares. Not again,never again. I don't want to go to the doctors again and have them fucking dose me up to the point i don't know what the fuck is going on. For them to IGNORE some of my problems,and proceed to insult me. I don't want to worry anyone,i'm fucking strong,I can do this. I think........
I won't do it,i refuse. I HAVE to be strong,i can't come undone again. I won't,i refuse. I need help but i can't ask. Everyone has more things to worry about,i don't want the stares. I don't them to try and make me go to the fucking doctors again. I don't sleep anymore...for the last year or so. My sleep is so broken. I think I'm running on maybe 15-20 hours of sleep since Tuesday. I'm fucking twitching. I have the absurdly strong urge to watch myself bleed..a lot. I can't start this again. I'm so frustrated with myself. WHY can't this go away. I just want some fucking peace. This is not fair,but I guess life is never fair. I'm smart enough to not elude myself that I have it worst than everyone else though. People have much much worse than I ever will know. I'm starting to loose seconds,maybe a minute or two of time. It's like I have no idea wth just happened. Please don't let it be what I think it might be.. I can't go all psychosis on everyone again. I'm scared. I don't want to be crazy again,though aha was I ever not? When I loose that time I'm not aware of what's going on around me,consciously. I unconsciously know I am awake,but I'm not. If it gets worse,then I'll go to the fucking doctors. Like when I start rocking back and forth huddled in a corner(again) or start hurting myself during these episodes(again). I don't think I will though,those lasted anywhere from ten minutes to and hour. I JUST FUCKING wish this panic attack would stop soon,seriously. I hate being all shaky. I hate asking my friends for help,I feel like i only talk to them when I need help. I'm an awful person,they just don;t see it yet. Son of a bitch,i'd really like to cut myself til I can't feel anything like I use to. I'm so fucking weak. I hate being paranoid again,I'm convinced there is someone watching me,laughing at me. Taking great glee in my faling again. I know they're there sometimes. I can feel their eyes. It's so noisy in my head. I also have a strong urge to stab myself repeatably,because I'm an awful person. I can't tell anyone,it's selfish to put this shit on other people. I'm selfish. I want help,but it's selfish to ask for help when other people have bigger worries than "oh no there she goes again........*sigh* great." =/ How can anyone help me? I'm fucking crazy.Seriously. I feel people staring at me at night. I can feel them standing in my room,just staring. I'll never see them,but I can FEEL them.
Last night I could feel a woman peeking over the edge of the building staring at me while I smoked. I know she was there,I could feel her. I can feel people follow me. To be blunt I'm also severly despressed again. I'm having panic attacks out the ass. I get headaches every fucking day. There's people following me. I'm hearing/seeing things. I want to fucking butcher myself for being like this. It's shameful,I should be stronger,but I'm weak. I don't know how to fix it either....